A bumpy, slow start to 2012... & my necessary resolutions

(The fact that I'm posting this 12 days into the new year just shows how detached I am from my motivation and personal creation.)


So.... I've been out for a minute. Several minutes, infact. Getting lost in the numbingness of the job and searching (lacklusterly) for who are am as a creator in the midst of all of this. 

A new year but this one feels... different. For those of you who are still in school, soak it up. I'm jealous of you. The pending semester always laid out the beginning of the new year so clearly - your path is right there in front of you. All you have to do is keep going about your student-life day-to-day. Studying, learning, expanding the mind in the process. You are preparing yourself for the next step and it's virtually effortless; the professor tells you what to do and you do it and VOILA, you have learned something new, and in the process, you have shed a layer and gotten closer to who you will become.

I don't know. I'm just missing school. Feeling stagnant for the first time since I took a semester off between CEGEP and university.

Who am I as a designer and creative person when all my work is produced for others? It's tough to stay in touch with yourself. You loose track of time, loose track of the passion that you had during school and before you know it, you haven't created anything for the fun of it in months.

God, listen to me, I sound like I've been in this business for years. During the holiday vacay I was honest with myself and attempted to reconnect with my seemingly lost conviction. Having faith in your gut and stepping out of something comfortable and into something new has become difficult for me - it never used to be. Hence my need to reconnect with my self-confidence. Maybe it's an attitude change that I need, maybe it's a change of space.

But I am where I am and I want to feel balanced and fulfilled even though I not entirely satisfied with my present employment; it is the perfect season for a kick in the ass. The resolution season.

I was inspired by my friend, Phil Ha. Witty blogger, sharer of cultural-musical-interesting-fashion&faux-pas tidbits. He attempted to challenge himself with 10 attainable resolutions rather than the regular "go to the gym" b.s. 

I'm jumping on the bandwagon. 10 realistic resolutions to center me, keep me creative and allow me to evolve spiritually.... Or something along those lines.

1 - Trust my instincts and act on them:

Sidenote to this one: Don't feel ashamed or guilty for being honest when it comes to my career and future path. Open my eyes, speak what I see when necessary and proudly display my emotions and thoughts on my face (i.e. cover pic)

2 - More Yoga:

Otherwise I'll be hunched over permanently by the end of 2012. And also, to give my mind a few moments of peace during the week.

3 - Live more organically:

Food, karma, give/take with the earth, have plants/possible garden, follow the weather, dress for the seasons, cultivate the good and avoid the aggressive, more local support

4 - Do more drawing for leisure

5 - Pass on my positives to others:

Passing on my good moods, absorbing the benefits of t.a.ing and passing on my knowledge, offering drawing classes to children... holding the door for others, and so on.

6 - Earlier rising

7 - More baking bread:

With my whole self involved. Leaving the thoughts behind and kneading with love and energy.

8 - Actively budget and budget the loans away

9 - One big trip

This song makes me want to visit many places at once:

10 - No electronic devices in bed

And as with every other year, so it doesn't need to be numbered, more tea and more quebec cheeses.

And hopefully, more blogging....  :)

It's a new dawn, it's a new day

It doesn't happen to me every year, but right now, I'm definitely feeling the New Year's Blues. That nostalgia that kicks in around Dec 30th is sweeping through my thoughts, causing me to be lethargic, moody and feel isolated. I know some of it has to do with the fact that I had an incredibly hectic (and definitely enjoyable) month of December, and now I have only to relax until I start school on Jan. 10th. I know it also must have a little something to do with the fact that I didn't speak to one of my best friends during the month of December (we got into a disagreement that we both sat on for longer than usual). But I think at the core, this feeling of New Year's Blues has to do with the fact that 2010 was just the... best year ever, how could I even try to top it?

I felt so positive this past year. Thriving during my last semester of Marketing, moving in with Peter, going to Italy, getting a great position as a teacher's assistant, deciding to study graphic design and subsequently, thriving in my graphic design courses. And now, this year is all over. I fear that I may loose my momentum. I fear that growing older may cause me to become harder, more jaded, less positive.

I'm realizing more and more that life is tough - money, relationships, competition, stress, deadlines... they all get to you. Doesn't that hard exterior and pessimism just come with age?? After all, I am on the verge of 25, shouldn't an "aged" negativity be kicking in permanently at some point soon? (A fear I mull over on at least a weekly basis).

Since I was a young girl, I always told myself (and honestly believed), that I could do anything and that I could live a happy and fulfilled life. This is a sentiment that I've brought with me into my 20's. As I come into contact with more and more unhappy and jaded people, I realize that my hopes of being fulfilled with my career choices and happy in my relationships, will be much harder to achieve than the 10 year old me, and even 23 year old me would believe. I've realized in the last couple of years that some people just end up on the wrong path, and they don't even notice it until they're middle-aged and completely down on themselves. This is possibly my biggest fear.

It's easy to fall into a rut. It's easy to fall into routines and not push boundaries. It's easy to believe that the worst will happen and not put yourself out there. It's easy to fear rejection and criticism. And as I've learnt more recently, It's easy to fall into line and travel down a predetermined life path - make career choices based on upper management or societal pressures, make life choices based on pleasing the people around you rather than yourself, mold yourself into who others want or need you to be.

As I enter into this deciding year, a year during which I will complete my design diploma, start my career in graphic design, move into my second and larger home with my boyfriend, I find it essential to be in tune with my emotions and remind myself that I am not mediocre - in my choices or my creations. I will not take the easy path. I want to go into this year with as much enthusiasm and grit as the hard-headed, 10 year old me would have devoted to it.

Yes, it is normal to lament on all the great things past, so I will absorb the feeling of loss for today. Then, I will move on. This post is to remind me to look forward, and remind me to keep my mind, energy & positivity in the NOW. It will be difficult to keep up my momentum, and it will be easier to succumb to pressures and become what others need me to be. I need to remind myself that I'm on a mission here - to be happy. Just because I'm getting older, doesn't mean I need to get negative and jaded. This is a mantra I know I'll have to repeat on countless occasions throughout my life. It's not easy to stay true to yourself, keep your positive energy up, thrive from the stress rather than become defeated. Yes, those negative habits can take over and you wake up one day feeling as though your life is not where you want it to be. But I want to believe that if you put the effort into envisioning your life as you want it, and work at it with a positive outlook, things will work out in your favour. Outcomes have less to do with their impact on you and more to do with your impact on them. I have control over my emotions and my emotions shape my life.

2011 is mine for the taking!