A bumpy, slow start to 2012... & my necessary resolutions

(The fact that I'm posting this 12 days into the new year just shows how detached I am from my motivation and personal creation.)


So.... I've been out for a minute. Several minutes, infact. Getting lost in the numbingness of the job and searching (lacklusterly) for who are am as a creator in the midst of all of this. 

A new year but this one feels... different. For those of you who are still in school, soak it up. I'm jealous of you. The pending semester always laid out the beginning of the new year so clearly - your path is right there in front of you. All you have to do is keep going about your student-life day-to-day. Studying, learning, expanding the mind in the process. You are preparing yourself for the next step and it's virtually effortless; the professor tells you what to do and you do it and VOILA, you have learned something new, and in the process, you have shed a layer and gotten closer to who you will become.

I don't know. I'm just missing school. Feeling stagnant for the first time since I took a semester off between CEGEP and university.

Who am I as a designer and creative person when all my work is produced for others? It's tough to stay in touch with yourself. You loose track of time, loose track of the passion that you had during school and before you know it, you haven't created anything for the fun of it in months.

God, listen to me, I sound like I've been in this business for years. During the holiday vacay I was honest with myself and attempted to reconnect with my seemingly lost conviction. Having faith in your gut and stepping out of something comfortable and into something new has become difficult for me - it never used to be. Hence my need to reconnect with my self-confidence. Maybe it's an attitude change that I need, maybe it's a change of space.

But I am where I am and I want to feel balanced and fulfilled even though I not entirely satisfied with my present employment; it is the perfect season for a kick in the ass. The resolution season.

I was inspired by my friend, Phil Ha. Witty blogger, sharer of cultural-musical-interesting-fashion&faux-pas tidbits. He attempted to challenge himself with 10 attainable resolutions rather than the regular "go to the gym" b.s. 

I'm jumping on the bandwagon. 10 realistic resolutions to center me, keep me creative and allow me to evolve spiritually.... Or something along those lines.

1 - Trust my instincts and act on them:

Sidenote to this one: Don't feel ashamed or guilty for being honest when it comes to my career and future path. Open my eyes, speak what I see when necessary and proudly display my emotions and thoughts on my face (i.e. cover pic)

2 - More Yoga:

Otherwise I'll be hunched over permanently by the end of 2012. And also, to give my mind a few moments of peace during the week.

3 - Live more organically:

Food, karma, give/take with the earth, have plants/possible garden, follow the weather, dress for the seasons, cultivate the good and avoid the aggressive, more local support

4 - Do more drawing for leisure

5 - Pass on my positives to others:

Passing on my good moods, absorbing the benefits of t.a.ing and passing on my knowledge, offering drawing classes to children... holding the door for others, and so on.

6 - Earlier rising

7 - More baking bread:

With my whole self involved. Leaving the thoughts behind and kneading with love and energy.

8 - Actively budget and budget the loans away

9 - One big trip

This song makes me want to visit many places at once:

10 - No electronic devices in bed

And as with every other year, so it doesn't need to be numbered, more tea and more quebec cheeses.

And hopefully, more blogging....  :)

Times-a-flyin', Dreamlands float by, Nightmares don't knock me down but they sure do get my heart-beating faster.

Later in my life, when wiser and seasoned, I'll write a country song about the sorrows and joys of periods of change. I'm such a newb to it all right now; overreacting at the smallest upset! Change is tough, guys and gals! My Grandma agreed rather knowingly when I mentioned how I was feeling. "Transition is difficult, Dear", she said, faint remains of her British accent audible in certain words. She came to Canada on a ship in her mid-Twenties with an infant and a bun in the oven, leaving her family and friends to start a new life; she knows about periods of transition.

As you may know, my performance anxiety has been getting to me. Vivid nightmares in which I am forced to create or a big, bad man will fly down at me and bite off my legs...

It's only been a few weeks since my last contemplative post but much has changed since then, I feel. I'm seeing more clearly. And frankly, I'm happy that I had that little down to put me in my place! I'm young - the downs and confusion and ego-bursting moments are necessary in order to show me the way to the next level, my next peak.

I'm settling into my job, settling into the level of creation, settling into my first fall since I was four years old that I am not in school. My gosh, I do yearn for more schooling. I had a few days of feeling as though since I am done school, the learning is complete and this is the level of design that I will be at for the rest of my life. Hahah, so ridiculous. I've snapped out of it. Now, I'm just trying to go with the flow. It's a joy to have some free time to focus on my development - I just need to get used to the happiness of it all.

For a little while there, I felt as though I wasn't creating anything interesting. It all seemed so blah to me. After having brainstormed some ideas with my bosses and close friends, I realize there's something interesting in the majority of my ideas. I gotta have faith! It's all coming together, I feel myself relaxing into it.

So, what's next?

Well... I'm conceptualizing and designing a promotional journal for Surface Jalouse. The release of the book will coincide with a huge reopening of the Surface Boutique! I have to design displays for the interior of the boutique (vinyls, showcase boxes, pieces of furniture) and a line of t-shirts. We're also going to develop the winter season window installations for the Boutique and for several clothing stores. And all this for only a couple of months from now. Wow - seems I'm a little out of my league with all this stuff! Lots of inspiration though... so things will roll :)!

Here's some inspiration for you now:

A great, long episode of The Strombo Show on CBC Radio:
http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/Radio/1447825254/ID=2127808266

The first in a series of short films called Made by Hand, promoting hand-made, local artisans:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfuGWT8alT4

I want to start embroidering on photos:

Vibrant artwork by an artist whose name I can't fully remember... Francis something. Sorry artist! Who didn't love Darjeeling Limited?! Watch for gorgeous patterns in every scene!

Love this kind of symmetrical illustration, using a strong white space and simple, unhesitating, lines. Mingo Lamberti

Great new tune to enjoy:

Feist - How come you never go there?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h65YIvjIV7E

And I'll leave you with something to consider... I've been mulling it over for a while now. Why not be a part of your community by making it more beautiful? Positive vandalism, if you will. It takes little effort and goes such a long way in brightening your environment and neighbours' lives.  And in a city like Montreal - pot-hole filled and such - who wouldn't love a little ironic, colourful addition to their surroundings?

Til next time everyone! Enjoy the change, layers of clothing and fall colours...

As Irene pours down.

A self-indulgent piece to clear my thoughts and sulk on a rainy day. Apologies for the run-ons and at times, difficult to follow trains of thought. I'm a little all-over the place today but sometimes you just gotta get it out.

I've had this post in my mind for a few weeks now, since I completed my Graphic Design diploma, actually. The fear of the "real world" has quickly set in, especially without any time off to collect my thoughts after a whirlwind ending. (I started working full-time the Monday after my Friday evening graduation). Negative, defeatist feelings have been rolling through me and developing into more concrete thoughts - and some, developing into realities. Excuse my tangents as I feel there will be a few throughout this entry -- rainy days just kind of do this to me. "The winds of change are blowing through, the rain washing the slate clean. My accomplishments behind me, new ones must take their place". Ya, those sorts of daunting, melodramatic lines are common for me on rainy days.

I've been on a major high. The highest high of my blossoming artistic career. I feel pretentious calling myself an artist but I'm not solely a graphic designer, so I'll use the word and take the title. With the title, comes the realization that as an artist my creations are not solely for personal pleasure and release, they are for the bread and butter, the dollars, the advancements. I have always been faced with the desire, nay, need, to be creative but never like this. Never as a career, never to make the rent. These days, the pressure to create does not solely come from my internal monologue; I now feel I must appease others' who patiently await my next creation - my Facebook friends, family, teachers, and as the added kicker, my employers. Important people around me expect greatness from me. I expect greatness from myself. So, what's the next move? How can I keep up the success?

Strange feelings for me since I began working full-time: being directed, producing for the sake of money and creating for the benefit of others. I have to acknowledge however, that it is a new feeling. Things will fall into place and the pressure won't be as numbing and intimidating - I will give myself time and attempt to relax into my current position. But for now, I'll just panic and ponder a little...

As a "professional" artist, my employment could push me in one of two directions; I could sink or swim. Continued success: breast-stroking onwards into the unknown, skill-testing tides or, the worst possible outcome, artistic apathy: soaking in murky, brown, semi-creative/semi-productive waters that hint at my past successes. It's the beginning of this stage of my life and I'm allowing myself to get into the darkness and unfamiliarity of it all, so yes, I am afraid. Afraid that creating for others who lack inspiration & are often tacky, will drag me down into an innovation-less life zone, without drive or vision of places I want to be and the person I can become. I don't want to be a designer at the median of creativity - reproducing what's already been done for the sake of rapid output or simply to finish the boring job off and put me out of my misery. Frankly, I'm afraid I will loose my motivation. I'm afraid I will spend crucial career development years working for the wrong company or working for the wrong end goal. How can I know that I am where I should be? How can I know I'm taking the steps I'm supposed to take so that my bank of ideas never runs dry? How can I stay at the forefront of my design abilities? I don't want to become a lackluster designer/artist who repeats themselves.

I want to feel the way I have felt this past year, for the rest of my days. I want to ooze inspiration for myself and those around me. I'm realizing now that this takes practice and effort. When you're a student, the projects are based around developing your brainstorming and conceptualization - the inspiration comes easily. You are constantly surrounded by curious people who have yet to be jaded by the underwhelming projects that lay ahead. I need to be involved in my growth because my employment and my work projects cannot be the heart of it, they can only be a part of it - on the sidelines.

To only way for me to keep up that drive is to constantly look for new, encourage myself to research, brainstorm deeply instead of settling on the first idea. I need to remain at the heart of the action: living in metropolis cities, going to vernissages, museums, listening to new music, following interesting blogs, being attuned to European artistic developments, having arts and crafts days with creative friends. Luckily for me, I have all those things readily available to me... and I have a deep want to move forward.

After all this fretting, having written out this worrisome post has done me some good. For the sake of relaxation and perspective, I think it would wise to look at the big picture. I guess storms just do strange things to the designer in me or oops, should I say artist?! Professional artist? Creator?? Won't worry about that just yet.

Just had to do it... Resolutions for 2011

Not usually my style to come up with resolutions for the new year, but as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm feeling rather sad about the end of 2010 - so I want to keep up the positive energy and momentum and in true new year's form, I will do so with resolutions. No these will not be the regular, eat better, save money and exercise... although I could use a little of all three - these resolutions focus on creating mental and emotional stability (in my career and in my relationships) and encouraging an INSPIRED lifestyle.

There has been a big change in me since 2009 when I started writing this blog. I strongly believe that a great majority of my personal development is due to the fact that this blog has allowed me to reflect and write down my aspirations. So here they are... by putting them out their for readers, I'm encouraging myself to follow-through.

#1
One-a-day drawing challenge
I learnt last semester that the design can really suck me in, distract me from the other IMPORTANT happenings in my day-to-day, take away from my relationships and cause me to create only for projects, rather than sheer enjoyment. Although I'm loving studying design, I see now that it can become difficult to turn your design brain off in order to focus on you and the important people around you. I want to take this year to learn how to step away from projects.

My boyfriend was challenged to a blog test by his father - Peter must write a blog-a-day (monetary gain is a main driver, but the self-reflection and encouraged work-ethic will be great gains as well). Inspired by Peter's daily blog post, I decided to take on a one-drawing-a-day challenge that will encourage me to stay in touch with myself creatively. It will also allow me to have at least a half hour every day to shut off my brain and step away from the school-induced, design trance. I'm hoping that this forced trance-escape will bring me back to reality and remind me to enjoy my time out of school with my mind also, out of school.

#2
Be present
While in Italy, I learnt that the smallest distraction can take away from the impact of what's directly in front of you. Seems rather obvious, right? However, you don't actually realize it until you shut off your cellphone and ipod, go for a walk, open your eyes and soak up what's around you. (Give it a try!)

We are a distracted generation, and I am a product of these times. Often, I will be focused on several things as once: my work, my laptop, my cellphone, my plans for the weekend, my relationships, what food we need to buy. This inevitably, takes away from my enjoyment of what's happening directly in front of me.

I want to take this year to be present, in the moment, wholeheartedly. When in school, I will not check my facebook. When spending time with my boyfriend, I will shut my laptop. When having dinner, I will focus on the bites rather than the show in the background. I will give myself time to plan, dwell, multi-task, over-think, conceptualize... but once done, I will drop that topic and focus on the next task. Focus on my life.

#3
Savour
This goes hand in hand with being present. But with savouring comes enjoying. I want to enjoy and become inspired by the small things around me. I want to enjoy the flavours, colours, textures, aromas and tones of all around me. I want to see patterns and engrain them in my mind so that I can recreate them with my own flare. I want to smell herbs at the Atwater market, use them to create a meal with my boyfriend, and then savour my time in the kitchen while we make the dish. I want to appreciate the unconditional love that my kittens give me. I want to enjoy more varieties of cheese. I want to learn more about the subtleties of wine. The world around me, including my apartment, community and Montreal, have so much richness, I don't want to let my daily affairs get in the way of enjoying it all.

#4
Become Informed and... Inspired
The only way for me to thrive in graphic design is to know what's out there, who's at the top and what it takes to get to the top. Especially with my interest in sustainable design, a field that has yet to be fully tapped into and which is, just now, growing in popularity, I MUST become informed! What firms are involved in conscious design? How can I get involved on a personal basis?

This year will be one of blog & book reading, image saving, teacher nagging and podcast listening, possibly conference attending? I need to create a bank of information. Once I complete this diploma and am looking for a position, I will know what companies I want to work for, which designers I admire, what campaigns I find inspiring and.. who knows what else? I wonder...

My boyfriend's father told me, while we were speaking about the one-blog-a-day initiative, "you create your habits in your 20's, you live with your habits in your 30's". I want to be someone who takes their personal and professional endeavours into their own hands.

Oh life projects! How you bring me joy!

Aug. 2, 2010 - I'm writing to you from the future!! Haven't blogged in a couple of weeks now, things have just been so busy! I'll write something soon that fills the cyber world in on my happenings from the last 2 weeks - there are many momentous ones that absolutely must be mentioned!

So here's a post I've had saved in my drafts since before I went to the Gaspe... oh ya, I went to the Gaspe :). Left on July 19th, a much needed week of tranquility, great food, laughs, family and time with Rox... But anyways, Blogger was testing my patience and not working with me properly so this post of projects is certainly not up to date. I honestly cannot wait to put down in writing all that's been happening. This blog has truly become a place for me to contemplate, solidify thoughts and find clarity. In moments of big change/decision making, I long to blog it out in order to figure it all out!

I was feeling inspired from the article I'd read about the little arcs and big arcs of life (view below), so I decided to track some of the recent "small arcs" I'd accomplished.

July 18th, 2010 - "I'm just about to watch the new True Blood episode, loading as we speak, so I don't have the time to fill in the details about said small arcs - so here are a few pictures! They speak for themselves..."

New fridge colour







Breakfast time







Verdun exploring by bike (I've yet to find a name for it)

People watching and the mental travels that ensue

People watching. I could not get more lost in, or be more gratified by, people watching. I could spend hours soaking up the emotions, outfits, swaggers, hairstyles, sourpuss faces. I spend (as does everybody) so much time completely absorbed by myself and the happenings around me. It blows my mind to sit and watch people and attempt to fathom the size of the universe that is their life. They walk by me and for a split second, I am a part of it all... and, they are gone. However, I'm left with their sense, their being - maybe their aura. I often feel haunted by my people watching stints - not in a horror-movie sort of way, but in a "touched-by-their-presence" sort of way. I feel inspired either by peoples' individualities or by their lack there of. I want to soak up the uniqueness and creativity that goes into putting oneself together - creating the package that is seen as "you" by the other passerbys. I feel inspired to be more of myself and to be less like the norm. I feel inspired by the longing to stand out and leave my presence behind when walking by a fellow people watcher. What impression do I leave with them? What impression do I want to leave?

In essence, the people watching, allows me a brief delve into a universe unlike my own, infact completely different from my own. I take from that universe what I can during our rapid encounter, based on my perceptions and judgments and mood and I submerge back into my universe, slightly altered - with my mind and eyes more open and my awareness of self more acute.

Daydreaming

Well, I guess my weekly list of to-do’s is shot to hell. Turns out that the steps I will take and the adventure I’ve embarked on by exploring my artistic facets cannot be broken down into weekly segments; I was a tad eager for movement and change in myself to assume that they could…. It is a constant voyage: lulls, speed-ups, side tracks, short cuts, nap-times, snack breaks, discoveries...

Throughout the past 5 weeks, I attempted on a several occasions to blog it up and put down solidly and wholeheartedly, what it was that I was going through and the feelings that I encountered.

Much, much, harder than anticipated! My thoughts (that I created this blog to sift through and make sense of) have been overlapping, endless, indecipherable, unpredictable; attempting to put them into understandable sentences is impossible until they allow me to sort them.

I struggled when contemplating my degree in Marketing and my fading enthusiasm for a career that would inevitably leave me bruised, sour and jaded. I realize this is a negative point of view of the marketing industry, but I’m losing my luster for it and I see clearly how the people in the industry, constant pressure and high levels of competition would affect me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my drive to be the “bitch in the business suit” is slowly losing speed…. An alternative is taking hold of me. One that many Professors and a certain institution (cough cough JMSB) may frown upon. Forget the executive position, endless piles of paper work and constant schmoozing; they will not satisfy me or allow me to grow creatively. I just want… happiness. Happiness through creation!
Melding my want, nay, need, to create with a career that envelopes the elements of marketing that I truly do love: the people, the understanding of the psychology of people, pleasing your client, creating based on consumer demand = the perfect job.
My digital arts course has definitely played a huge role this semester, in steering me towards: Creation… Art…. Images….. Colours…. Lines…. Design!

Graphic artist, perhaps?

I wrote an old friend who is the founder, designer & art director of his own graphic design firm, Zerflin (http://zerflin.com/). He gave me several points to follow when embarking on a career as a graphic artist.
One that seriously stuck with me is #10:
Be brave. In everything you do, take risks, and try new things. Regularity stifles creativity.
Hence, my push to leave my comfort zone in an educational context and social context. Infact, this push to remove myself from my comfort zone has led to two major, MAJOR factors in my career search and on my path!
I feel exhilarated! NEW! My being around creative people has lead to a far more creative me… I’m seeing things in a new light... and constantly lost in dreams of the future.