As Irene pours down.

A self-indulgent piece to clear my thoughts and sulk on a rainy day. Apologies for the run-ons and at times, difficult to follow trains of thought. I'm a little all-over the place today but sometimes you just gotta get it out.

I've had this post in my mind for a few weeks now, since I completed my Graphic Design diploma, actually. The fear of the "real world" has quickly set in, especially without any time off to collect my thoughts after a whirlwind ending. (I started working full-time the Monday after my Friday evening graduation). Negative, defeatist feelings have been rolling through me and developing into more concrete thoughts - and some, developing into realities. Excuse my tangents as I feel there will be a few throughout this entry -- rainy days just kind of do this to me. "The winds of change are blowing through, the rain washing the slate clean. My accomplishments behind me, new ones must take their place". Ya, those sorts of daunting, melodramatic lines are common for me on rainy days.

I've been on a major high. The highest high of my blossoming artistic career. I feel pretentious calling myself an artist but I'm not solely a graphic designer, so I'll use the word and take the title. With the title, comes the realization that as an artist my creations are not solely for personal pleasure and release, they are for the bread and butter, the dollars, the advancements. I have always been faced with the desire, nay, need, to be creative but never like this. Never as a career, never to make the rent. These days, the pressure to create does not solely come from my internal monologue; I now feel I must appease others' who patiently await my next creation - my Facebook friends, family, teachers, and as the added kicker, my employers. Important people around me expect greatness from me. I expect greatness from myself. So, what's the next move? How can I keep up the success?

Strange feelings for me since I began working full-time: being directed, producing for the sake of money and creating for the benefit of others. I have to acknowledge however, that it is a new feeling. Things will fall into place and the pressure won't be as numbing and intimidating - I will give myself time and attempt to relax into my current position. But for now, I'll just panic and ponder a little...

As a "professional" artist, my employment could push me in one of two directions; I could sink or swim. Continued success: breast-stroking onwards into the unknown, skill-testing tides or, the worst possible outcome, artistic apathy: soaking in murky, brown, semi-creative/semi-productive waters that hint at my past successes. It's the beginning of this stage of my life and I'm allowing myself to get into the darkness and unfamiliarity of it all, so yes, I am afraid. Afraid that creating for others who lack inspiration & are often tacky, will drag me down into an innovation-less life zone, without drive or vision of places I want to be and the person I can become. I don't want to be a designer at the median of creativity - reproducing what's already been done for the sake of rapid output or simply to finish the boring job off and put me out of my misery. Frankly, I'm afraid I will loose my motivation. I'm afraid I will spend crucial career development years working for the wrong company or working for the wrong end goal. How can I know that I am where I should be? How can I know I'm taking the steps I'm supposed to take so that my bank of ideas never runs dry? How can I stay at the forefront of my design abilities? I don't want to become a lackluster designer/artist who repeats themselves.

I want to feel the way I have felt this past year, for the rest of my days. I want to ooze inspiration for myself and those around me. I'm realizing now that this takes practice and effort. When you're a student, the projects are based around developing your brainstorming and conceptualization - the inspiration comes easily. You are constantly surrounded by curious people who have yet to be jaded by the underwhelming projects that lay ahead. I need to be involved in my growth because my employment and my work projects cannot be the heart of it, they can only be a part of it - on the sidelines.

To only way for me to keep up that drive is to constantly look for new, encourage myself to research, brainstorm deeply instead of settling on the first idea. I need to remain at the heart of the action: living in metropolis cities, going to vernissages, museums, listening to new music, following interesting blogs, being attuned to European artistic developments, having arts and crafts days with creative friends. Luckily for me, I have all those things readily available to me... and I have a deep want to move forward.

After all this fretting, having written out this worrisome post has done me some good. For the sake of relaxation and perspective, I think it would wise to look at the big picture. I guess storms just do strange things to the designer in me or oops, should I say artist?! Professional artist? Creator?? Won't worry about that just yet.

The Burden of Honesty and The Time for Change

I left home at 17, eager to be independent and eager to get away from the constant squabbles between my father and I. I was home this weekend for thanksgiving, over 7 years since I moved away. I got into a discussion with my sister. A discussion that bore far too much resemblance to the arguments I had moved away from, a discussion that focused around my lack of empathy for my sister. I had said things that offended her, hurt her feelings, made her feel judged. I hadn't even thought twice about the sentences that bothered her. To me, there were just observations, sheer honesty. The fact is, I'm an honest person. Back in the day, when I was 17, argumentative and hard-headed (not much has changed), I felt deep guilt when told that I was insensitive. These arguments made me feel like a horrible, selfish person. Possibly to protect myself from those feelings of guilt, I came to terms with the fact that I was simply an opinionated and truthful (at times, loud mouthed) person. I was not being selfish, I was being me.

There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of the negativity that lingers from your adolescent angst. I realize now that I am so hellbent on identifying as an "honest and upfront" person in large part due to the need to prove to my family members that I am not selfish or insensitive - I'm just honest. I say something that hurts someone and rather than owning up and attempting to change, I say "Sorry, this is me". Change is hard, I guess I was avoiding it.

Now that I understand what type of person I am, and now that I understand that my blunt, and sometimes brutal, honesty hurts people, what am I to do? Here comes the lesson, sometimes it's better to simply keep it to myself – swallow my pride and swallow the need to say what’s on my mind. It's proving to be incredibly tough.

During my discussion with my sister this weekend, my father had had enough and intervened: "That's enough! Erin, you hurt her feelings, don't ask why, ask what you can do to change the way she's feeling! Andrea, your sister will not change, you may have to grow a thicker skin! This is about social and emotional intelligence! This is simple, think about what you say and how it makes others feel!!" he said (...yelled...).

I must say, this yelling session did bring back those defensive feelings from high school. It made me want to stand up to my father and show him that my opinion counts. But in this case, he was entirely right. I am proud of the fact that I am an honest individual who doesn't hold back and shows my true emotions; however, I am now old enough to put my pride aside and understand that sometimes, my need to be honest is simply not as important as others' comfort.

But, this blog is about working towards becoming a well-rounded and successful businesswoman and therefore, all post should be directed towards this cause! As touched upon by my wise father, this weekend of realization has shown me a lot about business interactions and the need to be as emotionally in tune as possible. If my goal is to one day run my own business, I need to understand people and be able to successfully maneuver around any and all social interactions, emotionally charge or not. I need to have a firm grasp on when to keep my mouth shut and when to add a little white lie. Not for my own advancement in a specific position, but so as to avoid hurting people. Hurting those around me inevitably causes me a great deal of pain, long-lasting guilt and causes them to resent me. I'm at the age now that I'm ready to let go of my pride and the hard-headedness of the 17 year old in me. I want to work at being a better adult, one who can become aware of their faults and work at them, one who's fair, one who's respected and constructively critical when needed. Change is hard, I get that now. I see it all clearly and I'm ready to grow up.