A smidge over 2 months now since my last post. Not due to a slip of mind but due to a complete mental, physical and spiritual submersion into what I was doing (and that entailed disconnecting from the internet and technology). There were several moments however, while on my emotional and artistic and life-altering journey in Italy, that I thought " I'd love to blog this right now!". I wanted to freeze frame my experiences; encapsulate the scents, grasp the depth of the emotions and translate (to the best of my ability) the magnitude of energies floating around me. What a trip. Its effect on me will come in waves, I'm sure. The things that I've seen will be in the back of my mind for.... ever? I feel so moved, inspired, touched and connected to what I experienced that I don't think it will ever stop affecting me.
This trip has shaken my life up. It has twisted me around. I'm still spinning and dizzy from all of it... Where will I exit from this whirlwind and how will it shape the path I get sent onto?
A few pinnacles I have taken from this journey:
A certainty in my love of creation and capturing. A month of drawing from observation, taking pictures, re-creating sights-seen. A month of absorbing the breathtaking objects, views, people, places around me and putting them down on paper... with my own subtleties, my own sensitivity, my own passion and my own soul directing the pencil, has left me awestruck at the power of my eye, the skill I possess and the beauty of everything around me if I take the time to notice it.
I need to focus on me. Not by being egotistical and self-centered, but by being self-aware and realistic about my abilities. I need to embrace what I love and what I am good at and let go of the distractions that bring with them only negative sentiment. I spent too much time throughout my undergrad, focusing on the successes of others around me, on their talents and their paths and the expectations of society and the university. I felt jealous, pressured, stressed. My vision of myself and my future was blinded by my colleagues' and comrades' visions for themselves. I need to focus on myself, especially during this life-changing transition period, in order to be intuitive, focused, positive, forward-thinking and unique in my choice of path.
There's something bigger out there. I am by no means a religious person. I have realized, however, that I am very spiritual. I felt more in contact with myself, with the world, with the people around me than I've ever felt while in Italy. I felt smaller also, than I've ever felt. Smaller in the universe and smaller in the history of everything. I didn't realize how much of a bubble I was living in. My travels made me realize the beauty, magnificence, shear size and power of history, culture, religion and belongingness. Elements that were outside my bubble while living in Montreal only 2 months ago.
Prior to this trip: History was something that existed only in textbooks. Culture is diverse in Montreal, it is a mish-mash. I felt disconnected from it. Religion was a notion created by man to control the masses and impose. Finally, belonging.... I belong to my family and my small tree of relatives. I didn't feel as though there was a greater community that I belonged to.
In Italy, the history, culture and religion are intertwined throughout all members of society. These elements all supplement and superimpose eachother in a continuous growing spiral. A force that does not get questioned and simply is. The history, culture and religion is rooted in all and gives them a sense of belonging that I had never experienced before. The faith and brotherhood was astonishing and I was envious of it. No, I do not believe in a god, but when millions of people throughout centuries and milleniums have been brought together for a common goal and with common beliefs, I have to believe in something greater: The powers that unite us. Seeing how the Italians belonged made me realize how I belong, and how we all belong. The belonging as humans and as energies and as specs throughout the story of humanity, earth and the universe. This belonging is all-encompassing and is greater than can be fathomed. Feeling smaller than I'd ever felt made me feel more connected than I'd ever felt to everything around me. It gave me a sense that all that is around us has a purpose and is driven by a common force... whatever that force may be.
Truthfully though, the beauty of Italy alone was astonishing enough to make me believe in a higher power.
Love > Money. I know this one seems incredibly obvious. Haven't I been ranting this whole blog through about the fact that I want to do something I love? Yes. But I didn't really get it. Although I had some truly high points during my university career, creating, being imaginative, being a leader and especially during my Telus project as head of creation, there was always a sense of panic, fear of judgement and control from outside forces. In a sense, I was partly driven by negative forces.
While creating in Italy, there were several moments when I felt ENTIRELY connected to what I was doing: mind, body, soul, emotions, spirit, aspirations, all molded together and working as one unified force. I'd never felt that before. I was doing something that I loved and I was so, so happy. It allowed me to be carefree, confident, driven, positive. It allowed me to be ME. I was completely driven by positive forces.
I will always be tempted by my business side and I will always aspire to money. This is a part of me and a part of my "truth". I understand that fully and won't fight it. Italy though, has given me a new direction and a new purpose, one that is based on what I love and what makes me feel whole.
On June 3rd, I walked away from my final critique with my inspirational drawing teacher, Michele Delisle, 7 sketchbooks in arm. A wave of everything that I'd seen and done in the past month swept over me. Emotions high and PRIDE higher than ever. My drawings, not technically perfect, but perfect encapsulations of what the month meant to me and how the things I'd seen had touched me. What a great accomplishment and an incredible step. I will cherish this experience wholeheartedly. I know already that I will look back at this moment and think, "That experience was a turning point for me. It changed my life".
Last Tuesday, I graduated with a Bachelor of Commerce from the John Molson School of Business. My loving family and boyfriend beside me, my sense of belonging high. A great accomplishment and an incredible step. An accomplishment I am truly proud of. I have not taken the path that other John Molson graduates have... but I am confident, more so now than ever, that this is the right path for me; One based on education, passion, art and soul.
My sister accomplishments: my drawing experience in Italy and my bachelor in Commerce. Complimenting one another and major steps in forging the future me.
