I left home at 17, eager to be independent and eager to get away from the constant squabbles between my father and I. I was home this weekend for thanksgiving, over 7 years since I moved away. I got into a discussion with my sister. A discussion that bore far too much resemblance to the arguments I had moved away from, a discussion that focused around my lack of empathy for my sister. I had said things that offended her, hurt her feelings, made her feel judged. I hadn't even thought twice about the sentences that bothered her. To me, there were just observations, sheer honesty. The fact is, I'm an honest person. Back in the day, when I was 17, argumentative and hard-headed (not much has changed), I felt deep guilt when told that I was insensitive. These arguments made me feel like a horrible, selfish person. Possibly to protect myself from those feelings of guilt, I came to terms with the fact that I was simply an opinionated and truthful (at times, loud mouthed) person. I was not being selfish, I was being me.
There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of the negativity that lingers from your adolescent angst. I realize now that I am so hellbent on identifying as an "honest and upfront" person in large part due to the need to prove to my family members that I am not selfish or insensitive - I'm just honest. I say something that hurts someone and rather than owning up and attempting to change, I say "Sorry, this is me". Change is hard, I guess I was avoiding it.
Now that I understand what type of person I am, and now that I understand that my blunt, and sometimes brutal, honesty hurts people, what am I to do? Here comes the lesson, sometimes it's better to simply keep it to myself – swallow my pride and swallow the need to say what’s on my mind. It's proving to be incredibly tough.
During my discussion with my sister this weekend, my father had had enough and intervened: "That's enough! Erin, you hurt her feelings, don't ask why, ask what you can do to change the way she's feeling! Andrea, your sister will not change, you may have to grow a thicker skin! This is about social and emotional intelligence! This is simple, think about what you say and how it makes others feel!!" he said (...yelled...).
I must say, this yelling session did bring back those defensive feelings from high school. It made me want to stand up to my father and show him that my opinion counts. But in this case, he was entirely right. I am proud of the fact that I am an honest individual who doesn't hold back and shows my true emotions; however, I am now old enough to put my pride aside and understand that sometimes, my need to be honest is simply not as important as others' comfort.
But, this blog is about working towards becoming a well-rounded and successful businesswoman and therefore, all post should be directed towards this cause! As touched upon by my wise father, this weekend of realization has shown me a lot about business interactions and the need to be as emotionally in tune as possible. If my goal is to one day run my own business, I need to understand people and be able to successfully maneuver around any and all social interactions, emotionally charge or not. I need to have a firm grasp on when to keep my mouth shut and when to add a little white lie. Not for my own advancement in a specific position, but so as to avoid hurting people. Hurting those around me inevitably causes me a great deal of pain, long-lasting guilt and causes them to resent me. I'm at the age now that I'm ready to let go of my pride and the hard-headedness of the 17 year old in me. I want to work at being a better adult, one who can become aware of their faults and work at them, one who's fair, one who's respected and constructively critical when needed. Change is hard, I get that now. I see it all clearly and I'm ready to grow up.
