I've had this post in my mind for a few weeks now, since I completed my Graphic Design diploma, actually. The fear of the "real world" has quickly set in, especially without any time off to collect my thoughts after a whirlwind ending. (I started working full-time the Monday after my Friday evening graduation). Negative, defeatist feelings have been rolling through me and developing into more concrete thoughts - and some, developing into realities. Excuse my tangents as I feel there will be a few throughout this entry -- rainy days just kind of do this to me. "The winds of change are blowing through, the rain washing the slate clean. My accomplishments behind me, new ones must take their place". Ya, those sorts of daunting, melodramatic lines are common for me on rainy days.
I've been on a major high. The highest high of my blossoming artistic career. I feel pretentious calling myself an artist but I'm not solely a graphic designer, so I'll use the word and take the title. With the title, comes the realization that as an artist my creations are not solely for personal pleasure and release, they are for the bread and butter, the dollars, the advancements. I have always been faced with the desire, nay, need, to be creative but never like this. Never as a career, never to make the rent. These days, the pressure to create does not solely come from my internal monologue; I now feel I must appease others' who patiently await my next creation - my Facebook friends, family, teachers, and as the added kicker, my employers. Important people around me expect greatness from me. I expect greatness from myself. So, what's the next move? How can I keep up the success?
Strange feelings for me since I began working full-time: being directed, producing for the sake of money and creating for the benefit of others. I have to acknowledge however, that it is a new feeling. Things will fall into place and the pressure won't be as numbing and intimidating - I will give myself time and attempt to relax into my current position. But for now, I'll just panic and ponder a little...
As a "professional" artist, my employment could push me in one of two directions; I could sink or swim. Continued success: breast-stroking onwards into the unknown, skill-testing tides or, the worst possible outcome, artistic apathy: soaking in murky, brown, semi-creative/semi-productive waters that hint at my past successes. It's the beginning of this stage of my life and I'm allowing myself to get into the darkness and unfamiliarity of it all, so yes, I am afraid. Afraid that creating for others who lack inspiration & are often tacky, will drag me down into an innovation-less life zone, without drive or vision of places I want to be and the person I can become. I don't want to be a designer at the median of creativity - reproducing what's already been done for the sake of rapid output or simply to finish the boring job off and put me out of my misery. Frankly, I'm afraid I will loose my motivation. I'm afraid I will spend crucial career development years working for the wrong company or working for the wrong end goal. How can I know that I am where I should be? How can I know I'm taking the steps I'm supposed to take so that my bank of ideas never runs dry? How can I stay at the forefront of my design abilities? I don't want to become a lackluster designer/artist who repeats themselves.
I want to feel the way I have felt this past year, for the rest of my days. I want to ooze inspiration for myself and those around me. I'm realizing now that this takes practice and effort. When you're a student, the projects are based around developing your brainstorming and conceptualization - the inspiration comes easily. You are constantly surrounded by curious people who have yet to be jaded by the underwhelming projects that lay ahead. I need to be involved in my growth because my employment and my work projects cannot be the heart of it, they can only be a part of it - on the sidelines.
To only way for me to keep up that drive is to constantly look for new, encourage myself to research, brainstorm deeply instead of settling on the first idea. I need to remain at the heart of the action: living in metropolis cities, going to vernissages, museums, listening to new music, following interesting blogs, being attuned to European artistic developments, having arts and crafts days with creative friends. Luckily for me, I have all those things readily available to me... and I have a deep want to move forward.
After all this fretting, having written out this worrisome post has done me some good. For the sake of relaxation and perspective, I think it would wise to look at the big picture. I guess storms just do strange things to the designer in me or oops, should I say artist?! Professional artist? Creator?? Won't worry about that just yet.
