Beautifully morbid, morbidly beautiful

Several big bits of negative news are floating around me today. Nothing specifically affecting me, but nonetheless affecting my psyche.

I have a morbid outlook on the world right now, a beautifully morbid outlook. Others' misfortunes force me to consider the possibility of being in their position. In these moments, I contemplate my life as though I'm watching a black and white flash-forward of what-ifs. It's heavy, elegant, daunting. Perfect mascara stains and lace headwear at my funeral, the crushing blow as I find out a family member has been in a car crash and fall the ground gasping.... I know it's incredibly self-centered and disturbing. The end result is always that I appreciate those around me so much more.

Sometimes I like to go to that dark place in my mind, allow myself to taste the sadness and wallow in the feeling of loss. It's comforting and it reminds me to be grateful. It's morbid of me, yes. But it's beautiful.

It's reminiscent of the feeling I used to get when watching The Secret Garden as a child. Less than the images, I remember the emotions. The intense loss and the slow liberation of healing. I especially remember the sense of freedom during the fast-forward sequence of the coming of spring - incredibly gratifying. These are the feelings I get when those around me face real sadness, loss. I absorb it, get the tiniest sense of the devastation and then I latch onto the freedom and release of realizing that it hasn't happened to me - I am still alive and happy and surrounded by love.

Client rage... and a little self-encouragement!

Just because I happen to still be a student, does not mean that I don't have experience or a brain. I have skills and they are valuable. I feel confident in my ability to put a monetary amount to those skills. Does it really offend you that that amount happens to be higher than you expected? I'm sorry that you wanted cheap labour, but my work is solid - I'm not going to do the job for peanuts. There's no need for you to give me life advice or belittle me - I am not naive. And to be honest, my status as a marketing student probably benefits you - I have artistic skills with a marketing background. Isn't that a step above? Especially when delivering communication creatives?


I realize that I need to work for less in order to build up my experience but I don't want to enter this business by lowering my prices simply to please cheap clients; particularly considering my packed schedule and lack of time for work.
I'm facing the reality that I might just have to work for less once I get back from Italy and have no job - but the bottom line is, my work is good and it should be priced as such. It'll be much easier then, though. I'll have no school work, no job (for a short time) and I'll be doing something I'm passionate about - I could deal with less cash.
I do feel unsure and a little shakey but this is where it begins, I have to reinforce the confidence and stand behind my abilities. Therefore, my work=$$$. Otherwise, I'll be just another struggling artist with no self-confidence and making no money.

40 days and 40 nights until...

My Italian adventure begins!!!
Days filled with homemade colaziones and cenas, visitas, italiano classes and disegno disegno disegno! I want to submerse myself into my drawing and soak it all up - see everything as an artist with an open mind, have little inhibition and a strong sense of self. I want to start seeing the world as I used to see it during my first year in fine arts at John Abbott College; as lines and shades and curves and colours and depth. I'm going to make a pact with myself to document all of it - remember all the names and places and be able to put digital and drawn images to them.

Here's a list of the predetermined drawing/lesson/visit/touring spots!
Roma
Acquapendente
Bolsena
Cortona, Tuscany
Piazza Del Duomo
Orvieto
Uffizzi
Firenze


This trip signifies a major change for me: the finishing of my degree in Marketing from John Molson School of Business and the end of my time spent working in an office as an administrator (...yawn...); More importantly, it represents the beginning: the beginning of embracing my artistic side and doing so with a business mind, the beginning of marketing my skills and valuing my true talents, the beginning of embracing who I want to be and striving towards it, the beginning of my life post undergrad.... and the beginning of who knows what else. Hopefully, the beginning of a completely new mindset - one of individuality, passion, precision, self-confidence, skill development, ambitiousness (not to say that I haven't shown ambitiousness) but this is the start of my passionate ambition, driven by my abilities, intelligence, sense of self and broadened knowledge.

The Importance of the Online Profile

In this day and age, when so many of our perceptions and judgments are based on ones' viral activity, a large part of our identities are created through our presence online. People judge us based on our online activity, employers do or do not hire us based on our online activity and our online activity can make or break a potential relationship based on that initial acceptance of friendship and the lurking that ensues shortly afterward. What does my online presence say about me?
What does this blog say about me?
I realize that I created it and am following through on it for selfish reasons, to track my progression and hopefully force myself into a forward momentum as far as my career is concerned; Nonetheless, I'm writing it for the masses. The point is to stand out and have a voice among every other 24 yr old blogger trying to find their way. The few followers that I have and the few that happen upon my blog gain insight into my life in these short snippets - same goes for the farce that is my facebook page and my newly created linkedin page. (I realize that in the short amount of time that I've had this blog, others' perceptions of me have been a topic on two occasions, but I care about what people think of me and I'm not ashamed of that. Human interactions are what life's all about and therefore, I contemplate this stuff).
I want people to perceive me for what I am. It's so easy for people to create preconceived notions of you. In fact, it's human nature, but I want to shape those perceptions to the best of my ability. Can we really depict who we are through a viral medium? Maybe that's what this day's communication is all about.
I'm hoping that someone out there - some random who's destined to enter into my life - will stumble upon one of my online profiles and think, "I understand this girl, I get this girl, she's real and I want to give her an opportunity". I know it sounds ridiculous; However, with so much of our lives online and so much effort put into creating these accurate online depictions/snapshots of who we are fundamentally, isn't our goal to have someone connect with us and "feel" us and to inevitably gain from that connection? Don't we all want someone to say, "I think you're great and I want to help you on you career path." Okay, maybe not all of us want that... But, I do! Over here, world!! Look at me, surf my pages, see my potential!

Celebrating! (So much)

Ahhhhhh, now that the vent is out of my system, here are the wonderful things happening in my life (get ready for it, this will probably end up an extremely mushy and sentimental post):

Today, I'm celebrating my 1 year anniversary with my most amazing, intelligent and supportive boyfriend, Peter! My last year has been so exciting, greatly because of him, and our next will bring more of the same.

March 17th, 2009 - first date. He was a trooper and met about 30 of my drunken friends. I was so shy and intrigued by him. I was hooked from that point on.

We're also celebrating the generosity of his parents because they're sending him to meet me in Rome in June! YAY and THANK YOU, Eric and Kate! What an amazing way to finish off our degrees, enjoy the beginning of the summer and enjoy eachother. We will travel to the south of France where Peter's Grandmother lives and then to Paris to see his uncle, then back to Montreal.

And upon our arrival back home, we will officially be moving in together! We found ourselves a lovely 3.5 in Verdun... A perfect place to settle down for a year or so until we move to Vancouver.

Close to the metro, great kitchen and bathroom (with a huge skylight), washer/dryer outlet, sunny, two balconies, close to grocery store (with president's choice products), close to canal. And, as you can see, a tree that hangs right over our front balcony. Very excited!

Beyond Peter things, my semester (as exhausting as it's been) is really coming together. Feeling like a graduate and feeling like I'm standing out in classes - all around, really feeling good! My IMC project/competition team is a well-oiled machine and we're getting through our piles and piles of research and finally on the brink of bringing together our creative execution!

Alas, graduation is pending. I have mixed feelings about this one - but I'm damn proud, so it's a celebration nonetheless.

Finally, as much as it's daunting that I'll be jobless upon my return from Europe, I'm really trying to take it as a positive. No fear! I will be great and I will get an amazing job! (My mantra.... repeat, repeat, repeat).

Venting - It was bound to happen...

Some venting to do today and also some celebrating; Seems to be a lot to celebrate and less to vent about these days, so I’ll get the latter out of the way first. I anticipated having a rocky start to my start-up design company... so this is to be expected. Here it goes.

Amidst the most hectic of all my undergrad semesters - school work, presentations, group meetings, actual work, time with boyfriend, social life, sleep (the little that I do get) and so on - I’ve taken on a few design jobs in order to stretch my legs and test my skills! I entered into them feeling confident in my abilities and confident in my grasp of my clients’ wants. I’ve gotten a few reality checks, though.

Firstly, I’m working on an ad for an industrial distributor of packaging products for farmers. I met with him and spoke with him several times about the layout and elements he wanted me to include in the ad. The last I hear from him, he says that he’d like me to have it completed before I leave for Italy at the beginning of May. – Eeek! Brow sweat! A lot of pressure, considering everything else I have to do, but I can handle it. So, I write him to tell him what I’ll be charging and all of a sudden he’s gonzo - can’t get in touch with him. A tad frustrating considering I’ve already spent time on this and the looming deadline, but I guess I’ll wait it out.

Secondly, and more annoyingly, I’m creating a logo for a student association at my university. The president approached me and said he needed it within a week. We sat a spoke of elements he’d like me to include. He mentioned a few things but for the most part, he gave me little insight. I proposed ideas, to which he seemed enthusiastic and responsive! Good start, or so it seemed. I buckled down (again, amongst all my other work) and completed 10 variations of logos from which the association could choose one or parts of them that they wanted me to rework for the final version. I send them out, by my deadline, eager to hear the executive input.

I get one email back from the VP of external affairs saying she didn’t think they even needed a logo and that she thought the ones I’d sent looked like Balls. What am I supposed to do with that information?? Balls?? Really? Apparently, the president had approached me too soon, and there were internal conflicts which needed to be resolved prior to moving forward. Why the VP External felt the need to air these conflicts out to a third party hired to do a job for them? I don't know. What do you think of them? Ballish? Hah. I'll admit a few of them do have a phallic/testicular quality to them! And, I'll laugh that off.

Now, he wants me to create a second, entirely new round of logos from which the association will choose. My time is not free, people! I told him that I’d charge him for the work I’d already done if he wanted me to start over since according to him, there was nothing from my first round that they could work with. I feel snubbed and my ego is a little crushed – but that’s the name of the game. I gotta toughen up and realize that it’s impossible to please an entire board of executives - especially pompous student execs. Now, the tough part will be getting paid for something they didn’t use…

Official! BOOM!

Another thing to add to my countdown... officially leaving my present position as co-head administrator of B & G Realties in May when I depart for ITALY!
So,.. explosion it is!! I'm ready for the excitement and fear and adventure of the new!
What will this next job bring? What doors will be opened? What skills will I learn?
I should jump on the job-searching/interviewing process asap. Can I really fit another task into my schedule?? As much as I feel the need to have something lined up for my return in June, I know this trip will change my mentality completely. Maybe the job I'd go for now will be a 180 from what I'll want in June.
Oh right, forgot to mention, I officially registered my design business! Erin Willett Designs. Oh yes... feels so good!
So, if the fates are with me, maybe I won't need to line up a job. Maybe, just maybe, I can use my last 10 months in Montreal to explore my entrepreneur and designer sides. And, I'll have a degree in marketing, so I should technically have all the skills needed to market myself effectively. It'll be tough. But, as mentioned, the explosion is suppose to entail grabbing my life by the balls! Why not step out and allow myself to rock the shit out of my first year as a small business owner? After all, this is supposed to be my lucky year! Shine on me, Fates!

People watching and the mental travels that ensue

People watching. I could not get more lost in, or be more gratified by, people watching. I could spend hours soaking up the emotions, outfits, swaggers, hairstyles, sourpuss faces. I spend (as does everybody) so much time completely absorbed by myself and the happenings around me. It blows my mind to sit and watch people and attempt to fathom the size of the universe that is their life. They walk by me and for a split second, I am a part of it all... and, they are gone. However, I'm left with their sense, their being - maybe their aura. I often feel haunted by my people watching stints - not in a horror-movie sort of way, but in a "touched-by-their-presence" sort of way. I feel inspired either by peoples' individualities or by their lack there of. I want to soak up the uniqueness and creativity that goes into putting oneself together - creating the package that is seen as "you" by the other passerbys. I feel inspired to be more of myself and to be less like the norm. I feel inspired by the longing to stand out and leave my presence behind when walking by a fellow people watcher. What impression do I leave with them? What impression do I want to leave?

In essence, the people watching, allows me a brief delve into a universe unlike my own, infact completely different from my own. I take from that universe what I can during our rapid encounter, based on my perceptions and judgments and mood and I submerge back into my universe, slightly altered - with my mind and eyes more open and my awareness of self more acute.