Making moves and feeling good

Ahhhh, the stress, fear of failure, self-worth and satisfaction that come along with jumping into something new... I won't lie, I definitely had to build up the guts and convince myself of the degree of my talents before taking some serious steps, towards my career.

I'm surrounded by students who haven't yet put themselves into a category with "the adults in the real world". It's highly intimidating to suddenly have to view something you do as a passion, as a possible career. And even more intimidating to do things that put your neck on the line and skills on display. I guess that's jumping into the real world.

But I got no shit to bitch about right now, only money to make!

So, I'm registering my business: Erin Willett Designs. Starting an online portfolio of my work (should have done this a long, long time ago). Getting contracts! Making some $$$! Hells to the yes. Seems as though I might have what it takes to make something real out of this.

Luckily for me, the contracts are falling into my lap. The majority of the people I've been around in the past 4 years are business students... Business students turn into business people... Business people need creatives for marketing... And I'm especially lucky that my JMSB colleagues are all go-getters with fires under their asses and their heads in the clouds, because they all fancy themselves entrepreneurs. They need to make their companies known on a tight budget - enter, me. The best part, they all expect to pay me; they're all in it for the money and they understand that no one works for free.

I look at my counterparts in the visual arts department, living a life I could have been involved in had I chosen my second option 4 years ago. All attempting to enter into the art or design world with an art background; All of them struggling. They don't have the business background I now have, and they don't live with the notion that no one works for free because they view art passionately rather than as a comunication devise. (Don't get my wrong, I am PASSIONATE about art, but I want the MONEY!). They are far more passive when it comes to making the bucks from their contracts; maybe because they see them as an extension of their school projects.

Hum... look at that, I think I have a leg up. Yay me for realizing my worth in monetary amounts and understanding the value of my skills to potential clients. Yay to a business degree and yay to a marketing mind.

Oh how far I've come, how far I'll go...

Shown below is a self-portrait I created based on James Tissot's October (above). It was intended to represent my transition into womanhood... The beginning of my journey into the forest of pulpous vagina leaves. Delving into my sexuality was liberating. Funny how, a year and half after the completion of the drawing, I sense the change in myself and can now call myself a woman, unabashedly. I've traveled deep into the forest...

The Power of the Haptic

I've had the opportunity, much more so during cegep than now, to observe the mental torment students would go through when drawing a Haptic. I think it's especially difficult for students who aren't necessarily great artists yet fancy themselves rather skilled. A huge mental leap is required in order to trust one's hand eye coordination and the power of the right brain when understanding shapes, objects and negative space. You have to let go of your want to be better, your competitive side, your control and the power you exert over your pencil. I've watched many drawers have an extremely difficult time jumping into the haptic, letting go and allowing it to carry them to the unknown. The pencil glides over the page, knowing and aware. The power of the haptic is exposed only when the final product is revealed and the drawer observes the work created not by their control but by their leap of faith. It's liberating to step out of your comfort zone. And then you realize, more powerful than your control over the pencil is the guidance of the eye... The haptic makes you feel the object being drawn rather than see it. The haptic takes your drawing to the next level and shows you how truly capable you are as a drawer.

Lulls and Explosions

It’s such a strange feeling to itch for pending adventure and freedom while moving at a snail’s pace through my daily work-related affairs.

It seems as though bits of this year will be in fast-forward while the days, weeks or months leading up to those next bits seem so tedious and laborious.

As I’m just getting into the year, my pre-conceived notions of it seem to narrow down events to lulls and explosions. In reality, it will all zoom by and it will all be crucial.

However, certain elements are definitely taking precedence: school and art related elements are always in the forefront of my mind.

I’m finding it incredibly difficult to remain dedicated to work (a job I’ve been at for almost 3 years now). I always thought of this job as temporary and as a side-gig to my bachelors degree. Now, the time has come to make a decision about my next career move. Stay with my present job until I leave for Vancouver? Or risk it and get something new (more stimulating, invigorating, motivating, more career oriented) for only 6-7 months before moving across the country? A lull or an explosion?

Is my apprehension about leaving my job caused by rational thinking (it makes sense to stay here since I’ll be leaving shortly) or fear of something new (putting myself and my design skills out there for the world to see and judge)? I’m hoping the latter will be proven false. I never fancied myself a pussy; but then again, I never fancied myself a very rational thinker.

Wearing my purple stone for good luck

Wow, is it really 2010?

Did I just turn 24?????
When did I become an adult? This blog was started in anticipation of my 24th year, the year of enlightenment (not my first encounter with enlightenment and not my last). This year has a lot to live up to. For some reason, I’ve been drawn to 24 and looking forward to it for a long time. We will see what it brings… It’s already started off with a bang.
Was I selected to be a part of a marketing competition?
RECOGNITION!
3 Months of intensity ahead?
Check.
Italy in…103 days???
I haven’t even wrapped my mind around it but whenever I allow myself to wander towards thoughts of my glorious adventure ahead, the ignition gets lit and my brain starts to rumble and I race through the thoughts before getting pulled back to reality – just before the having my mindblown! It is mindblowing!! Don’t want to completely loose my sanity due to excitement. I need my feet on the ground. After all, there are too many things that require my immediate attention!
Graduation in 5 months?
I can’t even begin to explain the emotions this brings up. It’s time to be done, I want to finally give birth to this degree! But I sense the postpartum looming.

And. And. And. And……. So many things happening.
This will be the quickest year of my life and one of movement. My Chinese year and therefore, my lucky year. It’s time to move and take advantage of my pending freedom from JMSB. I’ll allow myself to jump to the thought for the purpose of this blog, but I do this seldom (as mentioned – too much to focus on right now) so I have to soak it in when I do daydream about it, ok, here it goes,…. VANCOUVER IN A YEAR (with the only person that I’ve ever wanted to share this type of adventure with)

Wow and wow.

Obviously my mind is all over the place and my days are flying by.
I’ve officially jumped in.
This is not a time to sit back, be discreet or blend in. This is my YEAR!

Daydreaming

Well, I guess my weekly list of to-do’s is shot to hell. Turns out that the steps I will take and the adventure I’ve embarked on by exploring my artistic facets cannot be broken down into weekly segments; I was a tad eager for movement and change in myself to assume that they could…. It is a constant voyage: lulls, speed-ups, side tracks, short cuts, nap-times, snack breaks, discoveries...

Throughout the past 5 weeks, I attempted on a several occasions to blog it up and put down solidly and wholeheartedly, what it was that I was going through and the feelings that I encountered.

Much, much, harder than anticipated! My thoughts (that I created this blog to sift through and make sense of) have been overlapping, endless, indecipherable, unpredictable; attempting to put them into understandable sentences is impossible until they allow me to sort them.

I struggled when contemplating my degree in Marketing and my fading enthusiasm for a career that would inevitably leave me bruised, sour and jaded. I realize this is a negative point of view of the marketing industry, but I’m losing my luster for it and I see clearly how the people in the industry, constant pressure and high levels of competition would affect me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my drive to be the “bitch in the business suit” is slowly losing speed…. An alternative is taking hold of me. One that many Professors and a certain institution (cough cough JMSB) may frown upon. Forget the executive position, endless piles of paper work and constant schmoozing; they will not satisfy me or allow me to grow creatively. I just want… happiness. Happiness through creation!
Melding my want, nay, need, to create with a career that envelopes the elements of marketing that I truly do love: the people, the understanding of the psychology of people, pleasing your client, creating based on consumer demand = the perfect job.
My digital arts course has definitely played a huge role this semester, in steering me towards: Creation… Art…. Images….. Colours…. Lines…. Design!

Graphic artist, perhaps?

I wrote an old friend who is the founder, designer & art director of his own graphic design firm, Zerflin (http://zerflin.com/). He gave me several points to follow when embarking on a career as a graphic artist.
One that seriously stuck with me is #10:
Be brave. In everything you do, take risks, and try new things. Regularity stifles creativity.
Hence, my push to leave my comfort zone in an educational context and social context. Infact, this push to remove myself from my comfort zone has led to two major, MAJOR factors in my career search and on my path!
I feel exhilarated! NEW! My being around creative people has lead to a far more creative me… I’m seeing things in a new light... and constantly lost in dreams of the future.

Chapter 1: Step 1

I’m feeling good right now and, funnily enough, this blog has contributed. Organizing my thoughts, listing out my issues, strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats,... (SWOT for all Marketers)… Makes me realize how things actually are. That is, from an outside point of view, rather than my own critical angle. This week, I’m more aware of my strengths than I was last week.

I had to face several issues head-on this weekend. And I must say, the conflict was liberating. Unbeknownst to me at the time, facing these issues reinstated my belief in self. I have great instincts; they should be granted more decision-making power. I won’t neglect them again. I vow, wholehearted instinct following in future endeavors.

Although the issues I dealt with had little to do with my education or my future career, having my instincts and what I know questioned and proven correct, truly restored my sense of confidence. This weekend I realized, I know what I’m doing.

As if by fate, the direction I was searching for delivered itself in the form of a few confrontations in which, whether victor or not, I came out stronger on the inside.
Faith in self. I’m realizing more and more that although I initially search for support from family and friends, I should take a breather and remember who I am and what I have to offer.

As I mentioned in the Prelude, my first week of school dealt me some blows. Many of which had to be dealt in order for me to realize where I stand and what steps to take next. I’ve felt deflated by my marketing peers who seem so directed and aware of what path they intend to follow as I am unsure and my path will most likely be unconventional. This has caused me some shame unfortunately. I’m ashamed to admit my shame as I am a true advocate of individuality and self-expression. You would think that I would embrace my differences, thrive from them and encourage their development. However, thank the higher power for my weekend disputes and the emotional stability they granted me. As unconventional as my path may be, it will be mine.

The decisions I make are the right ones for me, I feel solidified in that fact now.

In an effort to prove to myself that I am growing as an individual and taking concrete steps towards my goals (numerated in Prelude), I will attempt a weekly listing of my cultivating activities...

Week 1 STEPS (Let the marketing group work, artistic endeavors and exploration begin):

- Debate style Food Marketing presentation preparation
- Consider and add qualifications/added value/artistic assets to CV
- Self-portrait on photoshop (Erin as a Tree, Being of Growth)
- Photos of landscape and bedroom for Studio Art Class (Photographic evidence to follow)
- Singing class! Belt it out! VOCALIZE!
- Critical analysis, evaluation and contemplation of case for Strategic Marketing Planning
- Personalized greeting cards to celebrate my loved ones' achievements, birthdays and a special anniversary (Many reasons to celebrate this week!)
- Explore ways to gain insight into my sixth sense. I'm not crazy people, I have had several concrete ESP moments this week...


Cheers to me being me and you being you.

Prelude

I never thought of myself as much of a blogger but I guess that's because, I never had reason to be a blogger.

These days, I have some soul-searching to do. I have a career path to find. Great expectations from a simple blog, but I feel a need to explore myself and document my duel efforts of career-searching and soul-searching. I want to make sense of my final year of university and the struggles I face while pursuing an education in marketing and a passion for the arts.

Unfortunately, my ego has suffered a few blows being that I’m an artsy and unabashedly emotional student headed towards a cut-throat and criticism-filled industry. The constant pressure from peers, teachers and the university as a whole paired with my sensitivity has gotten the better of me these days; I’m left questioning whether or not the marketing industry is the one for me or more importantly, whether I am for the marketing industry.

Let me bring you back to the fall of 2006: I was nervous, excited and envisioning a future as a tough bitch in a business suit. I quickly realized, to my dismay, that I hated all of my classes and struggled with the option I had to transfer over into fine arts. The critical decision I made to remain in business school rather than pursue my passion in visual arts has evidently altered my educational career but more so, who I am at the core. I left my artistic self behind and moved on to what I naively convinced myself were bigger and better things. Having spent three years competing, analyzing, controlling, cramming and networking, I hoped that the beginning of my final year would find me eager for the real world and passionate about the art of marketing. As is my style, I have thought and over-thought every aspect of this time in my life and what is to come. I am incredibly saddened to write that my over-analyzing has led me to numerous non-conclusions, many of which carry negative connotations for me. My future unnerves me, my education in marketing worries me, my need for more art torments me. Now, here I am: confused, uneasy, lacking in self-confidence, wanting skills I don’t have, wanting a sign that indicates that my future will work out! Most importantly though, here I am, wanting to interweave and synergize what I’ve studied, what I know and what I love.

I am on a mission this year: 1) reinforce self-confidence, 2) encourage and embrace my artistic side, 3) pursue the opportunities that marketing offers me and 4) find my path...
Find my path… Seems daunting and unrealistic at the tender age of 23.
But hey, I’m not asking for my dream job to pop out of thin air and my career to be laid out in front of me; I just need some reassurance that I’m headed the right way, whichever way that may be.