Several big bits of negative news are floating around me today. Nothing specifically affecting me, but nonetheless affecting my psyche.
I have a morbid outlook on the world right now, a beautifully morbid outlook. Others' misfortunes force me to consider the possibility of being in their position. In these moments, I contemplate my life as though I'm watching a black and white flash-forward of what-ifs. It's heavy, elegant, daunting. Perfect mascara stains and lace headwear at my funeral, the crushing blow as I find out a family member has been in a car crash and fall the ground gasping.... I know it's incredibly self-centered and disturbing. The end result is always that I appreciate those around me so much more.
Sometimes I like to go to that dark place in my mind, allow myself to taste the sadness and wallow in the feeling of loss. It's comforting and it reminds me to be grateful. It's morbid of me, yes. But it's beautiful.
It's reminiscent of the feeling I used to get when watching The Secret Garden as a child. Less than the images, I remember the emotions. The intense loss and the slow liberation of healing. I especially remember the sense of freedom during the fast-forward sequence of the coming of spring - incredibly gratifying. These are the feelings I get when those around me face real sadness, loss. I absorb it, get the tiniest sense of the devastation and then I latch onto the freedom and release of realizing that it hasn't happened to me - I am still alive and happy and surrounded by love.
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